Your hymen's been removed?

~

Well that's what Jesus is worried about, as always, when Jesus runs some weird Peter Pan support group, horrified by memories of growing pubic hair. Seriously, American Christians. Can we talk about your childhood problem?

This is an angel

THIS IS NOT AN ANGEL

That's your child dressed as a pumpkin. As your religion. It's fucking stupid. Like praying to get back what you waited for years to lose, because you're afraid of making adult choices.

But whatever. I grew up Catholic, so I'm interested in the legalities. Taking the rest of Sunday School into account, Re-Virgin opens up hax. L337 H@x.

You could:

1) Fall from grace in middle school, blow everything up to and including the class hamster

2) Re-Virginate and get Saved early in high school. Go into teen ministry.

3) Become such a whore in college you can get someone off with the Power Glove.

4) Re-Virginate. Repent. Dominate campus ministry.

5) Get all expense paid trip to Venezuela, where you spend the mission money on top grade coke and the daughters of deposed generals.

5) Re-Virginate. Marry nice church person.

6) Have missionary position (HA! See above.) sex for 20 years, and create enough babies that the smart ones are sent to Harvard and the spares are used to carry you around on a throne.

7) RE-VIRGINATE AGAIN. ... die.

8 ) Die as the first whore-mother-virgin-whore-mother-virgin. LAPPING MARY, THE MOTHER OF GOD TWICE.

9) Jesus cries.

10) Since there are no tears in Heaven, Jesus is sent to Hell.

11) HE DOES THIS. FOREVER.

I need to change my pants.