What Kind of Day Has It Been

About three months ago, I set out to write this post. It was the day before St. Patrick's Day, and I had given up drinking for Lent. Which, I must say, is not the smartest thing I've ever done, though it wasn't the dumbest thing either. Actually, the dumbest thing I've ever done was ...well, it's not really important. Let's come back down from that statement.

Anyhoo, when I first looked at it, the post and this topic, I mainly focused on my relationship with drinking, which is actually the longest relationship that I've had in the entirety of my life. This, actually, is saying a lot of things and most of them really aren't all that swell. But we'll deal with that at a later date.

The gist of it was that I get obsessed. With a lot of things. Some of them, at the time, are well reasoned and/or ingrained in me. Like Ohio State and my cult-like obsession with the state of Ohio in general, (I probably pick up on more Ohio references In the West Wing than any other person alive picks up on. True Story). Some of them make no actual real life sense, but are relatively harmless, like Infinite Jest, Fight Club and Ender's Game.

Then there are the life changing ones. The one's without which Adam just wouldn't be Adam. Though in some cases these aren't good things. Like when I was younger, like In high school/junior high, I was obsessed with football. Now, no one at the time would have said that I was "addicted" to football, but I was. I literally made it the most important thing in my life. When I was in 10th grade, I probably pulled my groin during practice. I say probably because I heard a loud "pop" In my right inner thigh and it didn't heal for about three or four games. It could have been a very severe strain that could have cleared up with a few days of rest and Ice. I highly doubt it though. Instead of doing the sane thing and just not playing for a couple of weeks, I hid it from my coaching and training staffs so that I could continue to play. Hopefully, this is what stunted my growth. I doubt that too though.

Or the whole wrestling phase of my life. In which right after a football season I went from a natural, healthy 167-74 pounds to a completely unsafe and, well, obsessive 143 pounds at my heaviest weight. This phase included losing 10 pounds in 24 hours so that I could make weight for the Mentor Quads and losing 4 1/2 pounds in 2 1/2 hours for City Championships. Fun Times. Though the saddest part of that statement is though I am attempting to say it in jest, there are actually few times in my life that I have been happier. Actually about three.

Then there is the Extravaganza. The EX probably could have gone up there with Fight Club and the like except for one very large point (and I like to call the big one "bitey"). The EX is probably the only thing, to this moment in my life, that I can look back on and say, "I did that." It is the thing that I am proudest of, and for that reason , and many, many others, the thing that I must give up for right now. The EX has been, and always will be, a very big part of who and what I am, especially as a web designer. And its not, as some might think, the whole "put away childish things" aspects of the EX, it's more that when the EX Is up and around, as a living, breathing, viable site, it is the most important thing in the world to me. It's one of the things that I want everyone to be able to look at and appreciate. And I want them to appreciate it for the content. I want the style to be secondary in their mind, because when that is true, then I know that I've done what I'm supposed to. Because when you remember how a site looked, and not what it said, then most of the time, you are remembering how functional the site wasn't. And that's a different story for a different time.

But none of these three, though they honestly were and are life changing events in my life, they pale in comparison to the real obsession of my life, most marked by the fact that it has taken be about 700-750 words to even get to this very vital point, and, in fact, the point of this post.

My greatest obsession is my obsession to be better than my father.

I honestly have no idea how prevalent this is in American society (except for conversations that I've had with people that I know and the whole "If our fathers were models for God" FC thing), nor do I really care. It's my biggest problem and it explains the top two life changers as well as the situation I'm in right now.

The only reason I even tried out for football in High School and the only reason I wrestled is because it's something that my father couldn't or didn't do. The only reason I drink (well the major reason why I drink) is because my father did (and I honestly believe that a lot of my problems with him, and with life, could be solved if we ever actually drank together as men, and not as a father giving his son some of his forty). The only reason why I moved into this apartment building is because this building, this exact floor even, is really, where everything in my family's history went wrong. Nothing ever got right from here. I thought that I could change it, that I could personally re-write the wrongs that my father and my mother did, but as they say "the sins of the father" and so forth and so on.

Unfortunately, I was wrong. What happened was, actually, another obsession of mine. I absolutely loved my former place of employment. It made getting up in the morning better knowing that I worked there, I absolutely believed, for the most part, in what they were doing and how they were doing it. I felt like the luckiest person in the world to work there, and I honestly could not denigrate it at all. Even now, actually, I can't denigrate it. Unfortunately, for reasons "known" but unknown to me I was fired. And that day, in all honesty, was probably the worst single day in my entire life. it probably took me at least 6 months to even bring myself to look for another job, and I now can't even bring myself to watch a commercial, look at an ad or even (as should be pretty obvious by now) really say the name of the company. And I don't regret it. I believe, in order to do a good job I must believe in what I'm doing. I must absolutely love everything (well, not absolutely) about the job and what I'm doing for that company. There is no in-between. Because If I don't believe in what I'm doing and what I'm doing it for, I do a half-assed job. I have to be honest with first myself about why I'm doing it, before I can effectively sell what I'm doing to for someone else.

To a degree, that's a problem. That view alone, not me getting fired for dishonesty (which, again, should be a topic of another post.), is enough to take me out of the running for many, many sales jobs. Which I know personally, seeing as I've turned down a lot of sales jobs about three months ago (which, to a degree, was stupid but I was working from the knowledge that I would get a job I could believe In about two months ago, that was pulled from me). Not to mention the job I would love to get working in the White House (that, apparently, is probably out of contention now. it was a whole thing Involving the Jag Corps and everything.), writing for someone who I could believe in, something I've been sorta practicing for, for oh I (o)don't know about 10 years now. Or even allow me to keep having--well, that sorta applies, but not totally. But it shone through in the end. Fucking true colors.

Anyhoo, right now, what's happening, and I like to believe that it's happening without my approval and in the wee hours of the night though only one of those I likely to be true, is that Im getting evicted. The same as my father did. Though he didn't have the wonderfulness (is that a word?) of the choice between going to jail and of being homeless as I do. Actually, its not so much of a choice as it Is me going to jail, probably for 30 days, really soon. This part, I actually just found out and was the inspiration for this post. Because when I severely fuck up, I really like to know the reasoning behind it. Not like, I can really do any thing about it now, personally, but I just like to know the road I should have taken. Damn you Ameriprise (yes I did actually get the offer this time, but I don't believe in what they sell. it's mostly proprietary). Though the only two things, now, that run through my head as I think of this eventuality are not about me, actually. It's mostly "how will Britty (aka, the Pootastic Oneder) will deal with this, and that it ruins any political aspirations that I may ever had. Ever. Running for mayor in '12. President in '40. You know anything. Though the job I really wanted was Governor of the great state of Ohio (honestly, the best part of being in court, and this will sound really, really sad, is the fact that I could stare at "The Great Seal of Ohio" and get through it. I honestly love that seal) and, sadly, "anything" probably includes working at the White House.

My aunt has this theory. This theory, more than anything else (and there really is a lot), is why I don't really like her. She thinks that, no matter what, there will be poor people that we will look down upon. Though, in retrospect, I guess she more or less meant that she would look down upon. And the more and more I think of this situation that I am In, I wonder if she was right. I wonder i this being "poor" is a familial task, that must be taken regardless of whether you want it or not. I think this mostly because of me. I really don't want to be poor, again. Though the more I look at it, the more I see the same things happening to me that happened to my father, and probably his father before him. I'm just not smart, or savvy enough to get through this particular problem i'm in. A problem, I admit, that I mostly got myself into. I may try to separate myself from my father, but in reality, I'm just like him (and if our fathers really were models for God, then I'm fucked). And there is nothing, absolutely nothing I can do In order to drag myself, and my name, out of this quagmire (giggity-giggity) that it is stuck in. And, slowly, that prospect doesn't bother me as much as it used too when I was in high school. And I really don't know what to make of that.