Warning Labels

Yeah so apparently this happened...any suspects?

Four out of five eunuchs agree that timing is everything.

I have found it.

PETA leadership probably aren't the absolute craziest people alive, but their ratio of Money/Respectability to Insanity is unmatched.

They also have the highest ratio of lying to self-righteousness of anyone outside the Discovery Institute. Probably comes from having the same mission: convince people of something you do not yourself believe.

Seeing as it is a special day in Norton History, We’ve decided to take a bit from another, better known website and tell you a little bit about what Norton likes. This is the first post with the cofabg staff authorship because it was Bama’s idea, there was an email thread about it, and ditriech just polished it off. Mostly with pictures from his own private archives and whatnot.

So, without any further delay, the things we like.

1) Beer

Most of all, Nortonians & Nortonites love beer. Put water, barley, wheat grains, hops and happiness together and any Man of Norton will drink it and declare it fine. Or decent. Or good enough to get drunk by (Point of note: the official beer of Norton is Keystone Light or Milwaukee’s Best and the official beer of WNDC is Miller Light. cofabg doesn't have an official beer yet. Here's to hoping its Miller High Life. The Champizzle of Bizzles.). Beer is pretty much like a brother to us at this juncture. Like a nth member of the Nort-Tang Clan or something.

2) Violence.

Whether its hockey violence, or just ditriech running around telling everyone that he is going to cut them (Seriously. The D-Man doesn't love you until he's told you that he's going to cut you. Its what he does) we love violence. Preservation through destruction and all. Which explains why we destroyed our bar. And why Sock Wrestling is the second official sport in the Nort. Which brings us to...

3) Fight Club

GREATEST. MOVIE. EVAR.

Well, at least as far as the whole of Norton is concerned. Though some (ditriech) are far, far, far more obsessed with the whole idea of the movie/book, we all pretty much think that it is awesome. Case in point, for the majority of Norton parties, we had Fight Club playing in the background all the time.

4) Beirut

By and large the most popular sport/event/regular activity in all of Nortonia, Beirut is the greatest thing ever invented as far as we are concerned. Known as "Beer Pong" or "Pong" or "That stupid game the Norton guys always play with the balls", Beirut is the true sport of champions, winners, and Nortonians. And yes, in case you were wondering, I'm well aware of the fact that I just said three things that all mean the same thing. There is more about the official rules and such of 'Rut on the official Psi Upper Norton Site, but still. We love it. You should play it. And that is all. (Seriously, you think we named this site because we enjoy Lebanon?)

5) Reel Big Fish

Ok, so this one is pretty much the GrzaGenius’s fault. Why? Because he brought RBF to the whole of Nortonia and infected us with their infectious melodies and song lyrics. Now we all, for the most part, enjoy the dulcet tones of the band currently known as Reel Big Fish (I even have an autographed picture! ...I think). Not to take anything away from them, they are awesome and he was right. But still. Its something that started freshman year, and then permeated throughout the lands of Nortonia.

6) Kenyon College

Though some of us still harbor strong anti-K House feelings, the overall mood toward Kenyon is mostly nostalgia and happiness. And not Grant Lee Buffalo “Happiness”. Like real happiness. Because that is where we all met, and had most of our most awesome times to date. Though that has a lot to do with the fact that we no longer live in the same city, something we all lament. And the cops rejoice. Though we have no idea why (ed note: Drunk in Public tickets would go way up. That's all I'm sayin')

7) The Ohio State/Michigan Rivalry.

Nearly all of us have some sorta stance on this issue. Whether we were turned by a fellow Nortonian (One way or the other. We're good at that) or we grew up with our own personal animosities and beliefs that made us cultivate the rich hatred that we've held so long for each other.

...

As far as colleges go. We don't like actually "fight" or anything. Yet.

8) Making fun of LJ's female relatives.

Whether its sister, or aunt, or (at first) mother, we've developed a habit of droppin'  LJ's female relatives into every despicable act ever. We're sorry LJ. But not as sorry as your [female relative] was that I didn't do the swirl tonight!

9) Boobies.

Gibson and Miles. Both personal heroes of ours. We do love Boobies.

10) Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Most notably the episode "Space Conflict from Beyond Pluto. For numerous reasons.

I am tickled by madness. I hear a gurgling gravelly voice calling from the grave. Friends, I am a dork, and have been a dork here, and there seem no limits to how dorky I can get.

BUT I AM FONDLING THE LINE UNCROSSABLE.

Rest, precious. Rest. The post will not be written.

Only hinted at.

Adieu.

This, my friends, is exactly what the title states:

Disabled hunters who meet certain criteria can now hunt from a motor vehicle under a bill signed by Gov. Ted Strickland.

People who qualify can obtain a permit from the Ohio Department of Natural Resources Division of Wildlife. The permit will allow them to possess a loaded firearm on, or in an electric-powered all-purpose vehicle.

Unfortunately, the vehicle has to come to a complete stop before they shoot. But this means that we are one stop closer to legalizing drive-bys in ohio.

...

Actually, the more I think about it the more that I'm pretty happy I left when I did. This law is pretty scary.

Legitimate reason for, you know, not having a real post today. Mostly because I've been spending most of the day on job stuff.

...

And it took me two hours (honest) to decide what to eat. That damned indecision gets me every time. Every. Single. Time..

Enough about me. Well, not really, as you learn my high school nickname and why Bizzo sent me this disturbing, NSFL (Not Safe for Life) picture. All after the jump.^sd1

During Captain Kirk’s trial, General Chang (Christopher Plummer) asks Kirk a question and then shouts, “Don’t wait for the translation, answer me now!” This is a reference to U.S. Ambassador Adlai Stevenson’s confrontation at the United Nations with Soviet Ambassador Valerian Zorin over Cuban missile bases during the Cuban Missile Crisis. Plummer uses the exact same line nine years later in the TNT television miniseries Nuremberg while his character, Sir David Maxwell-Fyfe, is cross-examining Nazi Hermann Göring.

I understand it would be horrible to be these parents. But seriously. What the fuck.

After taking nearly two dozen No-Doz ...

If a ban of the product in Connecticut cannot be enacted, then Lendino and the Stone family would like No-Doz to come with a more accurate warning.

Either the poor kid was actually trying to kill himself, or this was a Darwin Award. No company owes you anything for not pointing out that taking a 1200% dose of their pills will fuck you up. That's like drinking 2 large pots of black coffee, distilled into a shot glass, in one gulp.

I remember once drinking a pot and a half of strong black coffee over the course of an hour and a half. Hands started shaking, vision got blurry, perception of time got all messed up ... I thought "goddamn. That was pretty stupid." I did not think to consider that someone from the Gold Coast Company should have kicked in the door to stop me.

And I wonder how many people wake up with a murderous hangover and think "Wow! Tequila is really bad for you if you drink a liter of it! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME?????"

Again, all sympathy to the family ... but cut that shit out. We're over regulated and overprotected as it is.

DJ T. Jefferson! Holla!

Well what if [a man] neglect the care of his health or his estate, which would more nearly relate to the state. Will the magistrate make a law that he not be poor or sick? Laws provide against injury from others; but not from ourselves. God himself will not save men against their wills.

And so it goes. Rest in Peace, ya big idiot.

Looks like it's time to take my place on a wing of this scrum. To occupy my obscure, well-worn butt groove and put my scent on this couch. And the metaphors will get worse.

Under this posthead, you may read a lot of things. Things that make you crave the calm pool of an afternoon's Reefer Madness. But in it's less terrifying moments, this part of Gaming Confessions, On Me In Beirut, whatever [ditriech]'s calling this, will feature politics and hockey. And drinking.

Why?

Because there is no way of combining those three things that isn't awesome.

S'why there's no picture on these posts. If you're in line at a polling booth, and smell George Dickel, and turn to the guy in the helmet beside you ... I don't want to be recognized before the real fun starts.

And highfalutin nonsense. There will be that. And attempts to be morally serious. Otherwise the nuns in my head start screaming agian. Result: this name will be firmly in the race for Biggest Nerd on the Site. Which, I can see Bama already threw Lenord Cohen and "hermeneutically" ... in one goddamn post ... so that's a lot of ground to make up.

Stay tuned.

If anybody's actually out there.