NHL

For the record.

And for extra points.

.

Just in case you thought the Sabres-Senators rivalry had become sane.

Just in case.

I feel obliged to point out I have, as of this moment, not received payment:

1. LJ
   April 24th, 2008 - 2216 Two words:

   1. Malkin.

   2. Crosby.

   Pens in 6. money wager?

2. Bizzo
   April 25th, 2008 - 1231

   Put money against a team I’m rooting for?

   Why the hell not.

   $30 to winner if their bet wins in 6, and $20 if they win in 5-7?

Welcome to the first Bloody Sunday. Where every Sunday, I blog about the week in NHL Hockey and anything I can tangentially relate to NHL hockey. Like Islam. Or tape.

But before I invent the "Sticky Minaret," today is October 12. The NHL 2008-2009 season is underway, and Fucking Surreal right out of the gate. Here's what's going on with:

Paul Newman

He died this past month. 2008 is the year we lose great men, apparently. Not just famous ones, but the truly good.

~

The 2008-2009 NHL Schedule of Games is up. Praise be to Ice.

This year's Outdoor game is Chicago - Detroit at Wrigley Field, New Year's Day. I think the gods are giving me a second chance there, after Internet Explorer ripped the tickets from my hand for Buffalo-Pittsburgh.

In celebration of this day, we reflect:

Bizzo: Nothing's more classic than 6 French Canadain guys being chased around by a man with a mullet, suspenders, and no shirt.
Baseball fans have black and white footage of Babe Ruth's warm-up swings.
We have this.
Dutch: ....
Bizzo: The organ music really makes it.
I feel like I'm watching an episode of Monty Python on French Telemundo.
And how that guy's still just skating around at the end
One elbow pad
Still no shirt
Literally everyone else has left the ice
And he's still looking for more people to punch in the face.
The dialouge between him and the ref:
"Monseiur, please to leave and merci if you put on the clothings now."
"Hunh? Man I'm STILL DRUNK. I gotta hit somethin!"
(points at other ref)
"Can I hit that guy?"
"..."
"... non."
Dutch: ...
me: (points at zamboni guy)
"HIM? He looks like an asshole. I wanna fight him."
"... non."
"COME ON"
For some reason, I give Shirtless Mullet Guy the voice of Tris.
Dutch: ...
Bizzo: Is that key like glued down, or what?
Dutch: there is honestly no other response i can make

Even as someone who was glad to see him leave Buffalo, and really enjoyed this years Finals ...

I miss Crazy Dom.

Couldn't Detroit have played him just once? The man used to make a glove save, then toss the puck up and bat it like he was filming a Tiger Woods commercial. We're never sure what sport he thinks he's playing. Ted Nolan used to shit his pants nightly.

Oh Dommie.  

(I love how the Detroit commentators try to play it off like coming out of your net at a dead run and ending up in the neutral zone is no big deal. They'd maintain that "Oh come on!" attitude if Hasek came on to the ice with a sword. Which, give it time.)

By the time I was born, Cleveland had lost the Barons (like twice), so there wasn't really any hockey going on in the ditriech household. Baseball, yeah. Basketball, yeah. Football, of course. It's Ohio.

Anyhoo, my older cousin played hockey. So he used to watch hockey when we were over my grandparents house, like on Easter and stuff. Or around Easter. Its hazy. All I remember is because he was the only person I really looked up to (Case in point: one time me and my brothers were discussing our favorite dolls action figures and we asked him who his favorite was. He look at us. Paused. And said "I don't play with toy men. I play with real women". Granted, it's essentially the same thing that Vender said. But I was like 11. So it was awesome.) so I decided to follow hockey as well. And, of course, the first thing you do when you follow a sport is you pick a favorite team. Now, at that time (around 94-96) was about when the Red Wings started to become a good team again. Also the fact that I didn't really start to hate the entireity of TSUN, and that the Pens wore the same colors as the Steelers (And the Pirates. Because the entire city of Pittsburgh is not smart enough to remember to wear different colors for their different major sports franchises or something) and I chose to "follow" the Red Wings.

This Stanley cup championship, however, gave me a chance to rethink my decision.

(10:26:41) WoodnShoePimp: so bizzo got me all excited about the redwings
(10:26:49) ditriech: and then they lose
(10:26:52) WoodnShoePimp: and the game last night went into the third overtime
(10:27:02) WoodnShoePimp: it was 1 am, at that point i didn't care who won i just wanted to go to bed
(10:27:10) ditriech: haha
(10:27:34) ditriech: I've decided that this game will determine my hockey loyalties
(10:27:55) WoodnShoePimp: whoever wins, that's who you'll follow?
(10:28:02) ditriech: yeah
(10:28:17) ditriech: well
(10:28:24) ditriech: "follow"
(10:28:52) WoodnShoePimp: cheer for when convenient for you?
(10:28:59) ditriech: yup

And, as we know, the Wings won. So once again, I've been proven to be right.

That's pretty much the point of this post. Me being right.

~

I have no other good ideas. For years now, the line on Detroit has been they can't win in the playoffs because they're always injured. That always sounded like a cop-out to me. Injury rotation is a part of the sport so how can you say they're the best at the sport "except" ...

But sweet christ, I see what they mean. Detroit actually got to the Western finals uninjured (which was kind of lucky, but hey, the Pens got a break round too). They faced a Stars team that was itself uninjured, and had wiped out the #1 and #2 top picks for the Cup ... and annihilated them. Went up 3 games to 0, then mopped them up in time to advance the Finals schedule.

Then they got to a final against the Pens, who are in top shape and made the rest of the East look slow ... and it hasn't even been a contest.

Watching them play must be like watching that Jude Law Robot fuck. It reminded me of watching the Bills defense during the good years. Like how every time you saw a ball misthrown, it would be intercepted. Every time you saw a fumble, you could leave the room and get chips. There would be a commercial break before they resumed play with a new possession.

Build Your Own Joke!

In the same way, whenever you see a loose puck in this series, rest assured, the Red Wings play is already unfolding. The wingman was on course to take it, and in the 1.5 seconds that takes him, everyone is in position, in motion, and passing lanes are open. The pass will be completed. There will be a screen. There will be an attack. Every. Single. Time.

1:28 is really all I need to say. They killed a minute and a half of 5 on 3, in the finals. Crosby and Malkin on the Ice. At home.

So guess what, Sport of Hockey. Your only option really is to kill them. They're not human, and together, they're beyond any other team. One of their warm-ups involves forming Voltron.

Dutch, you should actually watch tonight. There's some sort of 60-minute formality before the trophy cerimony, but treat that like the Oscars: we have a beer or two until you get to the part where the big award is given and the 20,000 white people haul ass out of downtown.

...

...

Bizzo: Fuck you and your boring playoff series
Dutch: well in your blog post you said we'd lose to whoever won the dallas-san jose series
so maybe that series will be interested
AND HOW CAN YOU SAY IT WASN'T INTERESTING. THERE WAS SQUID-HITTING
Bizzo: See
I'm wrong about everything substantive.
But my weird asides were all right on the money
Rangers are down, det-col was short and quiet, Sharks down,
But dammit if they didn't punch squid and nearly murder Sean Avery.
Dutch: wow they did almost murder him
damn spleens
Bizzo: So, to sum up:
Thoughtful analysis: 0%
Violent throwaway jokes: 100%
Dutch: i wonder if it's something you could do consciously
like throw out there, "vice president cheney has a near-fatal incident with a wayward pigeon"
Bizzo: Fuck near-fatal.
I'm making the history books.

Since I've been busy with the election and wishing I had the money to drink some Green Label today, I never got to the games of the First Round. Ah well:

1) Detroit did not choke as badly as they could have, and neither did San Jose.

2) DC found their identity as a young, inspiring team who bring their fans ticklishy close to success and then drop them to the ground, crying.

Take a seat Washington. Take a seat for ten years, and we'll talk.

Ahem.