ditriech has a way with the ladies

ED NOTE: this week's BSOW is just turrable

I know I've gone on record before with this but I don't dance. Like at all^sd1. I just am too self-conscious^sd2 to even attempt to dance while sober and in front of other people. But it is important to this story. Obliquely, at least

Anyhoo, back in college, I had a crush on this girl who we'll call Serena^sd3. For like a while^sd4. In contrast to the rest of my crushes during this era^sd5, I rarely saw Serena. I mean, we had maybe a couple of classes together early, and of course in the dining halls every now and again. But she seemed like she was rarely around.

Fast Forward to 2005, after a series of (extremely unlikely events that led to me to hanging out at the Beta Acland semi-regularly^sd6. I was there one night during Senior week hanging out, and for some reason the conversation turned to Serena. It seemed as though everyone else there had the same general feeling about her: that she was comely, but unattainable. She just didn't--or wouldn't-- talk to anyone on campus. After a while, and with enormous amounts of liquid courage I^sd7 decided to go next door (which, conveniently, is where she lived) and talk to her. So we knocked on the door and her sister answered. Being that I was drunk (and that it was like 4 years ago now I don't remember what I talked with her about), I do remember that I told her who I was, and that I wanted to talk to Serena, who she said was upstairs asleep. Or something. I then told her about how I had a crush on Serena for like 3 years, yet was scared to tell her for numerous reasons^sd8. The primary one being that I was afraid she wouldn't remember me. After chatting for about 2 or 3 minutes, I turned to leave.

As I was walking back to the Acland, Serena said "I remember you Alan^sd9." So we talked for a while, I'm pretty sure I told her I had a crush on her then I left and went home or to drink more or something. Actually, the two aren't mutually exclusive. Anyhoo, the next night was "80s dance party night" and "Midnight Breakfast" . Seeing as I don't dance, I went for the breakfast option. Because bacon and hash browns are good at any time of day. But especially at like midnight. But, because I have a crippling addiction to 80s Power Pop^sd10 I went upstairs to listen for a while. And, because there wouldn't actually be a point in telling you this if it was otherwise, Serena was there. We look at each other. I went over to talk to her for a while (while, natch, this song was playing), and then I left to go play Kings.

Not the most exciting story in the world, I know, but it is the reason why this song is in my head every three months or so.

Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money (f. Ronnie Spector)

Eddie Money (f. Ronnie Spector)
Take Me Home Tonight
Can't Hold Back

washington, DC craigslist
> maryland > casual encounters

HOT SEX IN COLD STORE

Retail professional looking for a little help after work.

Here's how it will go.

I'm closing up, but somehow 'forgot' to lock the door. You walk in asking if we had any hot chocolate left. I say 'Of course, whole or skim milk?' You reply "I want it all," while talking off your overcoat to reveal a victoria's secret thong and nothing else.

We then make sweet, passionate love on the countertop, leaving a mess for the morning crew

Sound like a plan? Email me, pic for a pic.

*from the "Unpublished Craigslist Ads" folder in ditriech's mental hard drive.

After a long, hard, and massive study, I have come to a conclusion. I have a gift. Not just any gift, mind you, but the gift of fertility. Not, you know, me having kids. Not that I don't want it mind you, I actually want lots of kids. But I keep running into problems somehow.

(21:46:51) LookABrownGirl: you'll have an entire football team
(21:48:43) ditriech: why does everyone say that?
(21:48:56) LookABrownGirl: that you'll have an entire football team
(21:49:04) ditriech: I can't find a girlfriend, how will I have these numerous kids?
(21:49:06) ditriech: yes
(21:49:06) LookABrownGirl: I mean I could have said 'beirut team' but that's negligible
(21:49:48) LookABrownGirl: why does everyone who is single right now act like they're going to be single for the rest of their lives?
(21:49:49) LookABrownGirl: and btw
(21:49:54) LookABrownGirl: your problem isn't finding a girlfriend
(21:50:05) LookABrownGirl: your problem is that you fall for girls that you can't be with
(21:50:15) LookABrownGirl: I don't know what's up with that,
(21:50:32) LookABrownGirl: but you've got "crazies" and "unattainables" on lock.
(21:52:39) ditriech: es la verdad

 

 

(source: XKCD)

Anyhoo, this gift of fertility (thankfully) hasn't bestowed itself upon me. No. What I have is the gift to make you (Ladies. As I previously stated) have kids.

You see, back home (216 REPRESENT!) I had (arguably) two female friends that I called 'best friend' (I don't believe that there is one all-purpose best friend. There are better friends for each situation. And such.). Neither knew each other, and when I left Cleveland (as far as I know) neither was technically dating anyone. Through the grapevine (and, of course by 'grapevine' I mean 'them telling me directly') I found out that they were having a child. One had a boy, the other will have a girl. There is a good chance that I will be Godfather to both (I'm only Godfather to one as of yet. People think that I have good qualities that will help their child became a better person. That's probably because they don't really know about my crippling addiction to alcohol. But that's ok. I didn't know about my father's until I was like 14.) But I digress (RG Bunnicula!)

If you, as a female, want to have a child you need to follow this simple five step process.

1. Befriend me.
2. Stop talking to me for a while (which will assuredly be my fault because I am a horrible friend which makes #1 that much harder)
3. ???? (And seriously. Don't tell me.)
4. Start talking to me again.
5. Baby!

That's it. It's really that simple.

Applications for friendship being taken at ditriech.at.gmail.com.

See you soon "Best Friend/Mother-to-Be"!

Just so everyone knows, this is the one and only email that I actually responded too. I told her my first name. After discussing it with Dutch, referencing the appropriate Achewood first

----
Hello my new foreign friend!

How are you today? How is the weather in your country?
I hope you could see all my attached picture easily and I want to tell you I would be glad to receive any pictures from you any time! But I want to warn you do not send me huge size pictures! It is hrd for me to download them! Usually I use computer at my work and we have slow internet connection via modem. So to get your picture will take a lot of time! I can't spend much time for this! I have to work. Please make your pictures little bit smaller. I hope it's not a problem for you and you can understand me. Please let me know if you understood me correctly and will try to send small pictures. It will be more easy and convenient for me. I think if size of picture will be about 200 kilobytes it will be good. I promise I will send you my pictures in my further e-mails too! By the way here is one of pictures for you too! I hope you will like this picture! Almost all my pictures were taken by my friends! Can you tell me who usually take pictures of you? As you know that I am 27 years old and my 28th birthday will come soon! My birthday is 27 January! I think I wrote you that I am pediatrist! This is my main specialty and I have studied during 6 years in medical university. I want to ask you how long people have to study in your country to get specialty? Mostly this period of studying here is 5 years. But to get some kinds of specialtys takes 6 years. Also I have diploma of interior designer. This is my second education. As you know I like art and like to draw so I decided to get this profession and sometimes I work for this profession. But when I have free time only! Mostly it's my hobby but sometimes it help me to get extra money. I like both of my professions. Can you tell me more about your profession in more details? Also I want to give you some more information about myself in this e-mail! I am single lady and have never married. I had relations with men in my past but it were not serious relations or it were not good relations. I was not lucky with men here and I don't understand why it happened? I think I will tell you about my relations some later. Of course if you want to hear about it! I have no children and have never had, but someday I would like to have them. I hope this day will come true and I will be happiest woman in the world! Now here is some personal information about me. I am 174 centimeters tall. I think it's about 5'7 inches. But I am not sure. My weight is about 56 kilograms. I think it's about 123,4 pounds. I know that you use other measurement system. We use here metric system. What kind of system do you use there? I want to tell you about my purposes in my life and close future and also about why I decide to find someone in other country. As I already wrote you before I want to find friend and want to keep in touch with him! Just some time ago( long time ago) I have started the process of getting opportunity to move to the country where you living in. I have consulted with a lot of government agents and agencyes to prepare necessary documents and to get a job of my profession there. I saved my resources and spent much time to get it and one week ago I got some information from government agency. They said I could get all documents in the middle of December! It were great news for me! I was very glad! They said that I have to come to the agency in the middle of December to get exact date when all my documents will be done and I can come to your country. Some time ago I thought it will be impossible for me but after I started to figure out about this possibility the destiny smiled to me and I think I can come to your country to work and to live there. I have never been in your country and I know no one there except for you. This is the second reason why I have decided to write you! Because I want to have a friend in the country I will come. I don't want to be alone there because I think it will be hard for me and even fearfully a little. Do you agree with me? Perhaps one day we could meet each other. But I think it's not a time to talk about it. I think we don't have to hurry. I understand that it would be great to meet you one day but right now I can't be sure that I can come. I need wait the middle of December and after I visit government agency I will know for sure. Do you think I caught the luck and can change my life or I am mistaken? Do you think these news are good and would you like to meet me one day? What do you think about it? Let me know. I am interested to hear your point of view! I hope you could learn more information about me from my e-mail. I will be happy if you will tell me about yourself like I did in this letter. I will finish my message to you and hope you will send me reply back soon! Have a nice day! See you soon!
Hope your friend Victoria(Vika):).

P.S. Tell me your real name. If you will not tell me your name I will think you are not interested in our corresponding and will stop to write you. This letter will be last message I am sending you!

The next message from Vika was more of the same, random things about her, but she attached a picture this time. For the (very) outside possibility that this was a real person, I will refrain from posting these pictures

Hello again!
This is Victoria. How are you doing? Here is a little message to you from me. I just wanted to send you picture of me. This is one of the recent pictures of me. I live in small town in the middle of Russia near Ural mountains. The name of my town is Krasnoyarka. I think you don't know it. I like art and I like to look at pictures of art and like to read about different types of art. I like to draw. There were a lot of nice pictures. Also it was not a problem for me to read because I can read, write and speak English not bad! I hope you can understand my letters correctly and my English is really not so bad to understand! Please let me know ? Ok, I have to finish my e-mail and want to tell you I will write you more tomorrow. But only after you tell me your real name. I asked you about it twice but I don't understand why you didn't tell me it??? I hope it will be ok for you. Hope to hear from you soon and have a nice day!

Your new friend Victoria(Vika):).

P.S. Sorry yesterday not could write there was a lot of job.

Awhile back, I got a series of emails from an unknown source calling herself "Vika". The only reason I opened it in the first place was that the title said 'Hello from Victoria' and I was in the middle of an email thread with a friend by the same name.

I only responded to her emails once, to tell her my name, and only because I wanted to string this out as long as possible. Mostly because I had just read an article about how there were apparently programs out there that disguised themselves as Russian or other Eastern European females just trying to get to know someone over the tubez but were really identity thieves.

So Vika if you really are out there, I'm sorry for doing this, but the chances are that you aren't. I now present to you, 'Saturday's with Vika.' after the jump.