Canadia

For the record.

And for extra points.

.

Welcome to the first Bloody Sunday. Where every Sunday, I blog about the week in NHL Hockey and anything I can tangentially relate to NHL hockey. Like Islam. Or tape.

But before I invent the "Sticky Minaret," today is October 12. The NHL 2008-2009 season is underway, and Fucking Surreal right out of the gate. Here's what's going on with:

Paul Newman

He died this past month. 2008 is the year we lose great men, apparently. Not just famous ones, but the truly good.

~

The 2008-2009 NHL Schedule of Games is up. Praise be to Ice.

This year's Outdoor game is Chicago - Detroit at Wrigley Field, New Year's Day. I think the gods are giving me a second chance there, after Internet Explorer ripped the tickets from my hand for Buffalo-Pittsburgh.

In celebration of this day, we reflect:

Bizzo: Nothing's more classic than 6 French Canadain guys being chased around by a man with a mullet, suspenders, and no shirt.
Baseball fans have black and white footage of Babe Ruth's warm-up swings.
We have this.
Dutch: ....
Bizzo: The organ music really makes it.
I feel like I'm watching an episode of Monty Python on French Telemundo.
And how that guy's still just skating around at the end
One elbow pad
Still no shirt
Literally everyone else has left the ice
And he's still looking for more people to punch in the face.
The dialouge between him and the ref:
"Monseiur, please to leave and merci if you put on the clothings now."
"Hunh? Man I'm STILL DRUNK. I gotta hit somethin!"
(points at other ref)
"Can I hit that guy?"
"..."
"... non."
Dutch: ...
me: (points at zamboni guy)
"HIM? He looks like an asshole. I wanna fight him."
"... non."
"COME ON"
For some reason, I give Shirtless Mullet Guy the voice of Tris.
Dutch: ...
Bizzo: Is that key like glued down, or what?
Dutch: there is honestly no other response i can make

~

Since I've been busy with the election and wishing I had the money to drink some Green Label today, I never got to the games of the First Round. Ah well:

1) Detroit did not choke as badly as they could have, and neither did San Jose.

2) DC found their identity as a young, inspiring team who bring their fans ticklishy close to success and then drop them to the ground, crying.

Take a seat Washington. Take a seat for ten years, and we'll talk.

Ahem.

Indecision. Off the top of my head, it nearly lost the civil war, lost Midway for the Japanese, and got Apone killed off WAY too early in Aliens. So it can lose you a hockey team.

Before we get to the projections for the teams that have a chance at the Cup, let's take a look at 60 great athletes who will be watching on tv, and the worst decisions never made.

1) The Buffalo Fucking Fuck Sabres

I think Darcy Regier is training Lindy Ruff to be mankind's commander against space insects. I've never seen a coach so actively sabotaged.

You know who's in the playoffs this year?

Mike Grier
Martin Biron
Chris Drury
Ty Conklin
Danny Briere
Jean-Pierre Dumont
Brian Campbell

Let that sink in. We are so unwilling to push the button on any big contract that we've become the farm team for the rest of the NHL. Other managers must love it when we have a hot year. Next summer, there's your whole rebuilding.

Imagine if we had kept just ... three of those guys. Pick one of the goaltenders, and two others. Never aquire Thibault, make Mike Ryan wait one more year to get called up, and take away half Vanek's salary.

That's a really awesome team, isn't it?

Let's just cut to the chase and start getting the guys up at 3AM to fly to San Jose, and make them play with their legs already frozen. Lindy is too important!

If you think my references exist for you to get them, you're in trouble.

2) The Vancouver Canucks

I think Moses brought this lineup down from a firey mountain somewhere in Saskatchewan. This team is so static there are levers sprouting from their end of the arena. Turn them for a slap shot, push them for a carry, and try not to spill beer on the dome.

They didn't even make it into the playoffs this time to be eliminated early. Think it's time to change anything? Do you even know which Sedin twin is which any more? Do you care?

Their Conference has moved past them. Hell, the Blackhawks came up over their ranking in a year. Dave Nonis has obviously figured out how to avoid a full collapse, but he's about to die standing up.

3) The Ottawa Senators

My sympathy is acting up again. Wouldn't yours though? Something about seeing your great rival eat dirt is even worse than doing it yourself. Seeing the state this team is in is like James Bond watching Goldfinger across the hall in a rest home, both trying feebily not to shit their pants. Pathos out the ears.

This is a pure failure of leadership. The best, the BEST team on the ice at the start of this year, the Senators came apart entirely in the locker room. Why couldn't Bryan Murray either start the year behind the bench himself, or replace his coach right when trouble started? Why could his hand-picked man not discipline Ray Emery, decide on a place for Martin Gerber, or just make ANY decision between the two of them? They're both good. With the best offence in the East in front of them, either has a chance.

Not knowing who's in goal for you is like not knowing who's the Goose if you're Maverick. It's like not knowing what's in the backpack. Could be a parachute. Could not be. Now jump out of the plane. It's like not knowing who's in your room on the wedding night, but they sure don't smell familiar, and you swear you hear them playing with something metal.

And if all this sex and flying makes you think I need to get laid, then move to the bonus round. But the point stands.

A bad choice is better than no choice.

AND coda. Figure that out.

The league's coming into its own, post-lockout, at last. The bet on the Penguins has worked, albeit a year late. Ovie single handedly created a new market in D.C., the NHL Store turned a profit, and now they have a full, Internet 2.1 network, operating from above that store, as an NBC affiliate, within view of my office.

The Sabres can make another cup run next year. This year, the points are all to hockey itself.

Slightly delayed playoff coverage begins tomorrow.

If Calgary makes an underdog run, they've got me. If not, the Pens deserve it. I mean, deserve to get run by San Jose. But with ... you know ... some dignity.

Let's Go.

Ninety percent of the time, a smoke detector is there to piss you off. Like a car alarm, it forces you to accommodate, and makes noise for stupid reasons.

Unlike a car alarm, that tenth time, a smoke detector will save your life, your home and most of what you love. In the end, what you have to put up with is welcome. Though you don't think that every week you burn popcorn.

Some people are smoke detectors. Last month, a few went off up north.

My god. It still tingles.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/OiXSUVCruic" width="375" height="300" wmode="transparent" /]

Let's break it down:

Why in the name of Drunken Laughing Jesus am I now depressed because the SENATORS have only a marginal chance of digging themselves out of a 3-1 deficit they created through an uncharacteristic lack of discipline? Why is my little boy soul lined up to be kicked in the balls, on behalf of the guys who last kicked it in the balls? And Why is Lord Stanley moving from Tampa, to Carolina, to SoCal ... stopping nowhere there is snow on the ground, or natural ice, in say, DECEMBER?

... Why am I actually going to watch this game?

"Because our frontal lobes are too small, and our adrenal glands are too big, and ..."

You know what? SHUT YER HOLE, booky McLiverspots!

Ooooooh ... oh .... ooooooo Canadaaaaaa ...

PS: I love that he misspells "wife."