Confessions of a Beirut Game

Bama, you didn't know that below Siberian Public Access (which is itself hockey), there are the two stations devoted to the Baltic States League (Division 1 and Division 2, which allows dogs and piglets to play if they make weight)? Glad to see you're getting some culture.

Meanwhile, on NBC in Friday night primetime, I was watching this:

Then this:

And no. I'm not sober yet. That's why they give us till Saturday.

Stay tuned.

I have no idea. The channel hockey is aired on is only a few numbers below Siberian public access. The NHL playoffs exist entirely in the obligatory goal listed as #5 in The World Wide Leader's top ten plays of the day.

So if the tone of the highlight is "Hey! Hockey exists! Isn't that cute?" does that transfer to the meaning of the game itself? If it's snowing on the map, do the people in the territory need to shovel their driveways?

Trick question. It's Buffalo. They shovel their driveways to celebrate the 4th of July.

HOCKEY DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY!!!

So shut up.

Love,
Bizzo

Moral of the ENTIRE FIRST ROUND: The playoffs in 2007 are never about one guy.

They're not about a Forsberg, or a Crosby, or even a Brodeur. What little press the NHL gets apparently does not understand this yet. Maybe the Rangers' acquisition of Avery was a turning point, for instance. But that was only because a player with a unique talent merged with a two-line offensive machine that was already full of standouts. Same with Afinogenov in Buffalo. Do you think his wacky antics would mean anything, if the defense weren't forced to choose between chasing him and watching out for the scorers coming in his wake?

In an attrition game like this, that word "machine" means a LOT. A star can be blocked, singled out, and forechecked into irrelevance. A star line can be waited out, tired out, and taken advantage of when they're broken up for special teams play. It takes a balanced team that can be rearranged, reconfigured, suffer losses, and still function as a dangerous playing unit.

Quick, who is Anaheim's star player? You could nominate five people and be arguing all night about it. Who could that team not afford to lose? ... cricket ... And, goaltenders aside, you'll get that response for any team still in this race.

I'd kill for more coverage that reflects this. Yes the league is in a rut. Yes we need to hook publicity. But the tactic of Star Anticipation is doomed to fail, because it does not in any way reflect the game. Watch it backfire. All Eyes on Forsberg? All Eyes on Crosby?

... oops.

How about all eyes on San Jose?

I'm waiting.

EAST

1) Is That All You Get For Your Money (BUF-NYI)
Result: Sabres in Five
Bizzometer: Never in doubt
Comments: Guys, you know I love you. But please never do that again. There was a whole period of Game 2 I didn't recognize you. That game was so bad I ended up in a karaoke bar. Never, EVER give the impression you're taking this for granted. Miller has a Ouiji board and is channeling '98 Hasek. Two cheers to Ted and Miroslav for making it a fight.

2) Swamp Monsters (NJ-TB)
Result: Devils in Six
Bizzometer: On point
Comments: Jersey's a beast. You could track the flow of this series by when their offense decided to show up, and when they took a breather. Tampa was only ever going to get as many points as they did. May Ottawa take many bruises against this wall.

3) William Tecumseh (NYR-ATL)
Result: Rangers Sweep
Bizzometer: Fails
Comments: 7-0 doesn't happen in an NHL playoff game. It just. Does. Not. Atlanta this series will play for years as the textbook in fuckuppery. No defensive coordination, no heart at all, no confidence in goal ... had these guys ever played together before? Can we please fold up the Atlanta, Nashville, Phoenix and Raleigh franchises now? Well probably not that last ... but a guy can dream.

4) Ed Norton's Hiring (OTT-PIT)
Result: Senators in Five
Bizzometer: A palpable hit
Comments: What is there to say? In Round 2 they'll have a game on their hands.

WEST

1) Deep Burning (A Bunch of Identical Uniforms)
Result: Detroit in six.
Bizzometer: Dead on target.
Comments: What the hell is wrong with the West? Each one of these series has a highlight reel of pointless elimination-suspension hits. This one featured the most ridiclous. Did someone on each team kill someone else's father? I'm amazed no one called a "Switchblade on the Ice" Major. Detroit's got enough age and injuries already -- they can't afford this drama. Disney might make them pay for it in the third round.

2) It Wasn't Me! (ANH-MIN)
Result: Ducks in five
Bizzometer: No, it's reading right man! Look!
Comments: This was maybe the most lopsided match in the round. It's heroic they took one. Another series marked by POINTLESS, ugly cheap shots. It's possible any team should be fined just for allowing Brad May on the ice. When was the last time he pretended to be a hockey player? His contract stipulates you keep him in a pit of fresh earth, chain him to the ground, and toss in at least three live weasels a day. Man missed his true calling.

3) And So It Is Written (DAL-VAN)
Result: Canucks in Seven
Bizzometer: Bink!
Comments: Nice series, actually. Gorgeous goaltending on both sides, and a lot of cinematic momentum shifts. Last game was ugly, but in a good way. I hope that plane ride is REAL long.
STEEEEEEEEVE PERRRY!!!!

4) It Jumped Up A Notch (SJ-NVP)
Result: Sharks in Five
Bizzometer: Close enough for horseshoes.
Comments: Well ... half of what we saw was the fast, athletic series we were promised by this lot. The other half was right out of West Side Story. First series ... and by the second game we have FOUR PLAYERS suspended or eliminated with injuries? And both of these teams were pegged as Cup contenders. What a waste of talent.

Look, I'm not a purist. Back to Dallas-Vancouver ... all those penalties in Game 7 came from battling for inches. Fast-paced, passionate, close play produces hooks, trips, broken sticks and exhausted players. It's also beautiful hockey. And hell, with this sport's WWE-levels of backstory, fights, line-brawls and score-settling all have their place.

But what happened in the West this round was different. This was assassination play. Vicious hits by no-name thugs and backup players targeting star forwards. And then fights which are little more than excuses to tire out and intimidate the skill play on the other side. There's almost nothing worse for the sport in the long run. It ruins careers, it turns games into slow, bloody tangles, and it sabotages the quality of series to follow.
Hell, I can't even claim schadenfreude. If we actually make the Final, and whatever team limps out of the West has a good chunk of its first line in traction ... it's a no-win. Victory means the "East is weak" meme gains traction, and the Sabres look like vultures blessed with easy opposition. A loss would be even worse. The whole quality of a game is undermined. Assassination is an own goal against the entire sport.

In the second round, there will be much more physical play in the East. The matchups are even, and everyone will be looking for an edge. Here's hoping it stays on the quality side of the line.

Let's Go.

Outside the Rink ... Russia continues to be Russian.

Not that I've been there, but I wonder what the Mother's honest men, journalists, authors, reformers etc. would do if they weren't losing all the time. If they weren't always halfway into exile.

Then again. Maybe we don't want to find out more than once.

Yeeesh.

Well. They certainly went down clawing and spitting in your eye.

With a former Sabres coach, and two former B-Stars, what do you expect?

Still. Good to have that out of the way.

Full First-Round rundown after the Goblins finish their lightning-ride.

Hoo-AH!!!

It was so nice of us to toss Rocky a nickel like that. He's a great former champion, just down on his luck. Best wishes, Philly.

Now! Tomorrow night begins the Most Magical Time of the Year. Oh yeah, a Winter Wonderland.

Of course the Playoffs have two purposes in the world, and both should be recognized.

1) The Playoffs exist to confirm the Coronation that is Lindy Ruff's Right and Due. They provide a place for us to prove once and for all that 1999 and 2006 were taken from us only on account of Villainy. So the first question of any series is, "what is good for the Sabres?".

2) After this, the Playoffs exist to create great hockey. So the next question is, who deserves to win? Are they a club with a great legacy or style? There are many teams I would cheer on to finish #2-4 this year.

Lastly, there's that other question. The boring one people are forced to ask.

3) Who will win this game?

All three are at least some fun to consider. So without further, here's your First Round Bracket:

EAST

A. Buffalo Sabres v. NY Islanders
1),2),3) - All the best lines have been taken. The answer is the same for all three. And no one really doubts it.

NOTE: The one thing to say is that I wish Toronto had made it. A QEW Series would be a wonderful thing to see, and make for more interesting games as well. Also, such a series provides the fictional background for the one piece of evidence that Michael Moore's entire life hasn't been a flatulent waste. And that takes topping.

NOTE: If the above pick proves itself incorrect, my next, and last post, will be a play-by-play record of the experiment to determine how much whiskey actually kills me.

B. New Jersey Devils v. Tampa Bay Y'arrr!
1) I'm truly torn here. On the one hand, Jersey is a nail-biting team to play for Buffalo. Slow, closed, methodical, physical. They could really take a lot out of us that we'll need in the third round. Then again, it feels so much more like real hockey when you're not playing a team from a goddamn tropical zone. Still ... Go Tampa. They're satisfying to beat, too.

2) Tampa again. As much as I respect the Devils for their play, it's a Paul Newman choice. Take more risks, run more whole-rink play, and focus on skills. It's better hockey and they deserve credit for building a post-lockout game around it.

3) Jersey in Seven. Sadly. It's a deep team, and their response-attack has shown it's long-term value over series. At least I'll have some area fans to yell at in NY bars.

C. Atlanta Thrashers v. New York Rangers
1) NY all the way. A mature, tactical team that deserves better press than they've received. And I may actually get to see a game. And we can take them over a series.

2) See above.

3) Thrashers in six. Honestly, they can take Manhattan for the same reason we can. Lightning-fast offense meets a second-consideration defense. The games will be close, but I say Dixie.

D. Ottawa Senators v. Pittsburgh Penguins
1) Go Penguins. They're over-hyped, out of their depth, and taste delicious. I'd love to see them in Round 2.

2) TOUGH call. Do I love or hate Ottawa? Depends on the week. But mostly, it's a Cary Elwes / Inigo Montoya kind of hate. I don't know what we would do without our best frenemy to play with. And they're a brilliant team at all ends.

3) Ottawa in Five. Sadly, they'll get to use the barbecue before we get a chance. Please God let us not draw them Round 2.

WEST
A. Detroit Red Wings v. Calgary Flames

1) Go Red Wings. All the way to the final. That series would be fantastic.

2) The same. Detroit is a fantastic team with a two-way game and a fan base second to one in the U.S. -- we should see a squid or two before this is over.

3) That's a hat trick. Six games at most. A lot of commentators are doing the best to make this a "Cinderella" series or say what Calgary's great hidden talents are. They have solid play at both ends. Goaltending that maybe should have kept them above a #8 seed. But ... no. Should have got that higher draw guys. Against Dallas, you'd have something.

B. Anaheim No Longer Mighty Ducks v. Angry Northern Bears
1) I won't go so far as to hope the Wild ... win ... but gotta say, if they take six or seven games and play physical, I'll be happy. Compared to Detroit Anaheim has been ridiculously lucky on dodging injuries. They didn't even seem to be working hard the last 1/3 of the season. They need to be made to.

2) Anaheim. Minnesota's a growth story. This is a great showing for such a young franchise, and in 2-3 years we can see what it leads to. But there's not enough offense here, and not enough experience, to really contest Disney, who have the merit of having meticulously crafted the Ivan Drago of games: no flaws and spectacular hitting power. Re'spek.

3) Anaheim in 4-5. Though again, I'll enjoy it if they break a sweat.

C. Vancouver Canucks v. Dallas Devilseedspawn
1) Let's see, the hottest team from Hockey's Homeland, or the ... things ... who Mercenaried a region away its team, and then discovered how to win Stanley by spontaneous popular vote, rather than playing hockey?

"Run 'em."

2) Fortunately, Vancouver is also a prettier team. And a great fan story. If they can set their transition game against Dallas' pickoff, it's all in place.

3) Hosers in ... seven. Partially because that's a fair bet, and partially because I want Dallas to pay for their own Flight of Shame airfare.

D. Nashville Predators v. San Jose Sharks
1) San Jose. They are a lurking threat to the Big Two in the West, and if they make it ... well they play Buffalo's game. Just not as well. Perfect.

2) God sent this series to Earth because He loves us. It's by far the most exciting matchup this round. A team of perfect balance and an offensive counterpunch to make the audience pee, against a well-oiled turnover machine from the Coast, who seem to have almost re-invented the odd man rush. It is sure to be hard to call, brilliantly fast, and a goalie may actually suffer the groin pull that kills him. I'll say Nashville, because they've earned it more over the year.

3) Sharks in seven. I say their discipline carries the final. In a series, 2+ good lines and a power play are the best things you can have. Yes, better than Apollo Creed over there.

.

Let's Go.

So let's see. Best Week Ever?

First, we knew, thanks. Good to be official.

Second, the first conference championship in 25 years. Picked up, CASUALLY. With three games STILL to go in the season. No one else was even close.

Third, what a game to do it with. It is a beautiful thing to take a late-season "cinderella story" out behind the barn and break their slippers. Seems being a disciplined, 4-line skill team beats out two stars, one attack pattern and a Geico Caveman defense.

Slide.

Fourth, the playoff curse is off. For now. And we may actually end up in a postseason where we can play our regular-season game.

Fifth! A President's Cup that is literally ours to lose. We have 2 more potential points in the air than Detroit, and a more manageable final three than Anaheim. And the September Sabres are back.

I'm not guaranteeing this is The Year. There are some serious teams out West that we haven't laced up against much. And Ottawa can never be counted out. Plus there's the whole Being Buffalo thing. It would only take five unrelated lightning strikes, ten unrelated car crashes, or one goddamn bit of post-modern officiating to set us back.

But it's all falling into place. And I'm going jersey shopping. The Hairpiece has earned it.

Bama, don't try to talk me down.

Bigger post coming on the Lake Erie Wet Dream that has been the last 14 days in the NHL. I need to wait for MyNHL and YouTube to cut their shiny moving pictures.

For now, let me just repost a bit from ESPN's playoff preview:

In case you missed it two weekends ago, the NHL on NBC (Bruins-Penguins and Rangers-Islanders, regionally) drew a larger national audience than ABC's NBA telecast (Suns-Kings).

This has been long overdue. As much as a reckoning for the NBA as anything else. Once the League gets its financial house in order, expect this to happen more and more, on less exceptional weekends.