Should anyone have made a vampire movie in space? That's a much more restrained concept than say, Elvis vs. the Mummy. Which one sounds like an awesome crossover, and which like a waste of money? The only lesson to be taken about nerd-joke premises is that execution is everything.

Still, it's hard not to have strong, confused feelings for what they're offering this year.

On the one hand, it's RDJ playing Sherlock Holmes in a victorian kung fu movie. That actually got made. I'll have to throw out my own draft script, but small price to pay.

On the other hand, oh Christ. I'm having League of Extraordinary Gentlemen flashbacks. And The Avengers flashbacks. And visions of the unintentionally hilarious trailer for Cthulhu.There are some premises that can't survive wearing the skin of a Christian Bale vehicle. Sherlock Holmes is a slow-burn  mystery franchise. He's just ... not Spiderman. However well filmed, that nightstick kung fu looks goofy.

Plus, the producers of the film, who know what the thing looks like at 2 hours, sell it with the absolute mark of death.

Could Downey have saved the G.I. Joe movie?

Right.

But that's a wee gamble, compared to this year's Big December.

James Cameron and Sigourney Weaver just made an action movie out of Call Me Joe. They've made an epic mecha action movie out of fucking Call Me Joe. I have such conflicted feelings for this my dick shot up sideways. It's in the perfect shape of an L. I probably need a doctor.

One the one hand, that's going to be a sight at IMAX. Who doubts the choreography and pacing will be great? The glimpses of acting look very strong. Cameron has always gotten good inflection work out of his cast, which deepens shmoopy or bombastic material. He's the classic example of smart cast Sci Fi. From the great source material to the decades worth of tropes in that trailer, Avatar looks like a roll call of classic genre ideas.

On the other hand, how may Pocahontos jokes did you make? How well can anyone say "do you know which team you're playing for?"

"Roll call of classic ideas" can read "cliche parade." Fish out of Water, Noble Foreign Chick, Greedy Corporation, Conflicted White Guy Goes Native ... and after 20 years and those stupid Matrix sequels, exoskeletons like that are not exotic. They're stock. Every third story told in my lifetime has been about space marines.

A lot of this is James Cameron's own doing, you might say. The old master has every right to his own innovations. But tell that to George Romero, who has done nothing but make zombie movies, and hasn't made one of the good zombie movies in a decade.

And it's worth noting his social commentary did not ferment well. Romero's last movie had John Leguezmo deliberately becoming a zombie so he could lead a zombie army to kill uppity rich Jews. It contained the line "[gazes at zombie horde] really, they're just like us."

So that slow building anti-colonial undertone in Aliens? Now we're singing colors of the wind.

Could a movie about petrodactyl dogfights actually be boring? 

You know I'm gonna find out.

In what is hopefully the last season I will actually have to run such an exercise, I've decided to take the whole season of college football and fashion it into an evil, socialist playoff system in which the conferences on welfare can rise up from their bootstraps... wait a minute, nevermind.

Anyhow.

~

I have high standards for rambling lunacy. Today, one Russell Wiseman met those standards, and raised them.

Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose.  Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'... you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful. ... you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different....."

Notice how every one of his points are batshit enough. A lesser man might try to build on those foundations, but Wiseman does not rest. He unfocuses his mind relentlessly, and makes sure every single statement comes further out of left field. The President is Muslim and too smart a Christian so he should get out of this country because he fits in too well George Washington owned a farm.

QED, bitches.

And under this rich canopy of gonzo, lies that root image. The mayor of Arlington, TN, sitting down in front of the TV, wholly unaware that the POTUS is going to make a major address on the war in Afghanistan this evening. Through warm handfuls of Funyuns, he turns the channel to ... ABC News ... which he thinks will be showing Peanuts cartoons for some reason.

BAM! BARACK OBAMA!

To Mayor Russell Wiseman, the conclusion to be drawn is that President Obama has come here specifically for him, specifically to interrupt his cartoon, specifically to ruin Christmas. 

The theory holds long enough to carry him across the room, to the kitchen, to put down his bowl, to go to his study. And on this subject, to write an essay on the Internet. An essay so passionate, and so separate from reality, it sounds like four drunk people talking at the same time.

There is magic in this world.

I have a friend who plays guitar. Well, actually, I have a lot of friends^sd who play guitar. But! He's the only one that I know that actually like plays in front of people. Normally, that is. Last week, he had a show and only three people showed up. Including me and his girlfriend. Luckily, it was on a day I absolutely needed to drink. But that's not the point^sd2. There were only three people there. So, he got to basically do whatever songs he wanted. So, of course, he chose some originals. One of the songs was a breakup song. But, what he said was "Hey [ditriech] you'll like this, it's a breakup song".

Now, I did like the song. But the greater question is why do I like breakup songs. Because I honestly do. And it's weird. I mean I've never had a bad breakup for me^sd3 so there's no way that I can Identify with these songs. Though, to be honest, some of the crushes that I've had might have completely skewed my views on what a relationship can and should be^sd4. This is all possible. But I don't think it is the cause of my love for breakup songs.

Whatever the cause is, breakup songs resonate with me and, if you put me in a corner, with a gun to my head, I'd probably say that its for pretty much the same reason why I love Grunge music. There are few instances in which you (or, you know, the artist) are emoting so much. I mean, it's definitely more evident in breakup songs than love songs to me. Partially, because breaking up is the most public private thing that most people do.^sd5. Actually, that's mostly the reason. Because after you break up, you are really able to let all of your feelings about the relationship go. Or something.

Anyhoo, this week's BSOW is "Think Twice" by Eve 6. Which, is probably a breakup song. I don't know. I'm just a blogger. Taking about relationships I don't have.

Nevertheless!

"Think Twice" is frakking awesome. It is, at any given time, one of my top 5 favorite songs. Because it is so good. And, actually, it's not about the lyrics. It is about (mainly) the guitar play. And the music. Because, woo-oo, I will listen to it. Especially if it is this song. So you should. So that I can not be alone in my love for this song.

Think Twice
Eve 6
It's All in Your Head

Advice dog, for some reason, went on vacation without telling anyone. His inbox, obviously, filled up with all kinds of emails and such from people, asking him what they should do and how they should do it. You know, advice column stuff. Finally, and without any fanfare or notice I might add, he emails me with these answers to these questions. Hopefully, he keeps this up.

You ready for them Advice Dog?

Sounds about right. More from Advice dog after the jump

~

This Prez has a habit of putting himself on notice. Health care by this past November, GTMO sold as prison-themed beach condos by this January, and now, we'll phase out of Afghanistan in 2011, whether things get real or not. No punting this past the next election. Ballsy habit. And new, in my lifetime of presidents.

Of course none of these targets get met. So far they've been like the low bids conractors use to get a project started, then come to you helmet in hand to say they can't meet, but for a new cost they can surely be finished by a few weeks from then! And so on. Either that or Barry's such an academic that deadline haggling has infected the deep recesses of his brain.

America, I couldn't expect Mittens would get sick this week, and you know, the semester doesn't actually end until Tuesday ...

It's too early to tell if this is habit, good strategy, bad strategy or weakness. But with Obama and Emmanuel, you should always look for the Second Effect. And it occurs to me that since a deadline gives critics something to target ... it gives critics something to target. And when Republicans went absolutely batshit this August, and the deadline was not made, did the healthcare bill die on the floor? When the crecendo of "missed promise" stories run in January, do you think the Administration will stop the process of unwinding Bush detention policies?

Of course not. The plan will push ahead, while the spinmeisters blow their load on a dummy date. And make themselves into the news object. It's been a solid decade of Obama granting his enemies theatrical triumph after theatrical triumph, and taking all the important marbles in the end.

This may be the plan for the Taliban as well. What if they wake up in 2012, after exposing themselves in a Tet-style demonstration fight, telling the whole world the Americans would be chased out ... and we're still there?

Could our CIC be so sure of his goals, that he's taken to scheduling other peoples' false triumphs?

It's only been a year. We'll see.

I have streamlined the process and can bring you these a whole ONE DAY EARLIER.

Thanksgiving is now known around these parts as V-T Day.

Seriously, tell me you couldn't cut these into a good zombie movie.

1) 

2)

3)

4) 

Fuck Turkeys.

~

In case you ever wanted to see one in captivity. And poke it.

Nemo: how are thee?
Bizzo:  At some point, the sun simply died. Other than that, great! Yerself?
Nemo:  Work is silly.
Bizzo:  You have clearly been engaged in deep thought.
Nemo: Reading too much poetry
Bizzo:  Well that video has blossomed in my brain into an all-out Rocky training montage for the next Lightbulb Tube Bar Racing champion of the world.
Nemo: YES! i am thinking Rocky 4
Where the little fish competes against the giant Russian fish and then ends the cold war
The training montage could be the little fish swimming through/breaking up ice while the russian fish is being pumped full of steroid filled fish food/little russian peasant fish.
Bizzo:  I can't even picture the montage any more. My brain is busy rendering the poor fish in little hats and scarves, saying things like "alas Yakov! I can grow no more wheat!"
But with little fish mouth motions.
Nemo: and then the wolves come followed by wild bears
Bizzo:  Flipperer On The Roof
Bizzo: Yabba yabbba yibble dibble dibble dum
(bubbles)
Nemo: I would like to see flipper sporting the jewish curls
although they could complicate the singing 
Bizzo:  And the racing
Nemo: yes
Bizzo: Peyos totally drag.
Nemo: must stay focused on the race
Bizzo:  I dunno, I am more fascinated by the implications of being a fish and having to apply Leviticus.
Like what if you wake up one day and realize you're a carp or something?
And yourself are unkosher???
Bizzo:  Existential crisis right there
Nemo: A question i have had for YEARS
are buffalo kosher?
Bizzo:  ... huh.
I don't think it would be advisable to try and milk one.
So we can clear that hurdle right there
Bizzo:  They are in no way scavangers
Nemo: but the cloven hooves!
do they have them?
Bizzo:  ah, good point
Nemo: also do they chew cud?
and with that question I scoot off to dinner
Bizzo:  NO DON'T LEAVE ME HERE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ANY MORE
YOU READING POETRY?
gah

Not that any of this will necessarily come true, here are just some crackpot predictions.