God dammit CNN ...

~

Your "passive observer" voice is so lame, you're being used as a free marketing service.

I don't know who the fuck "Crazzy Eve" is, but if CNN weren't so Fail for broadcasting his guileless act, and his magic-of-the-internet bullshit, I'd want to stab him in the face.

As it is, my imaginary stabbing hand is busy.

CNN ...

I know I can look away. I know I don't have to care. But everyone links to you. You have such entrenched market share. And you're so BAD at what you do. And you're so lazy about the badness that it's like a style. Somewhere there is a CNN house style guide. It is written in red crayon.

1) Attention-getting image!

2) Live before anyone else.

3) Space filled with words of some kind. That's where ads go!

4) White women may be *raped* young people may do *drugs* pie and cotton may cause *cancer* fighter airplanes *blow stuff up* young people may be *raped* fighter airplanes may cause *autism* pie and cotton might *blow up*

5) Bar graph.

6) Typo.

7) Whippets: the silent scourge.

8) If Madonna stays out of court for even a week, this scroll bar thing is fucked.

9) Cholesterol: heartbreak's lubricant

10) TEEN SEX and how it can be prevented if you just talk to your kids about TEEN SEX then they'll understand how you're not mentally ready for them to grow pubic hair and CNN said their HOT FUMBLING TEEN SEX is your fault for not being a good enough parent to catch the SWEATY SHIRTLESS TEEN SEX before it made you ashamed.

11) Cinnamon: cancer's walking stick

12) More typos.

13) Nancy Grace flat out kills a bitch.