SOMETIMES WHEN I SNEEZE, AN ENTIRE STEAK COMES OUT

The Republican Primaries are awesome. They should have them every year. The Writers Guild can never work again and we can cancel Survivor: Cleveland and the entire Food Network lineup. Except, you know:

Bama. Please come back to us. I'll keep posting these ....

But the rest are off the air. The only show in town is five middle-aged white collar nerds. Trying to convince you they are MANALISCIOUS FACTORIES OF THICK, EXPLOSIVE FORCE. It's a sight to behold.

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Dear god, that music.

"Tribeca ... shit I'm still only in Tribeca ... every day I stay here I get weaker ... every minute MoveOn squats in the bush he gets stronger ... but you'll never see a man more broken and ripped apart. Remember, I'm like The Fountainhead. That was about a penis, right? My penis."

Actual Slogan: "Join Rudy - Start Strong"

"Ronald and I used to touch all the time. I'd say most of my body has been on most of his. We kind of smell the same. Roll up your sleeves with me and we'll amend things. Hard."

Actual Slogan: "Strength, Conviction, Honesty"

"I didn't legislate. I ran down the State of Massachussets. It made me sweaty. Very sweaty. For your children's future, let's hit the showers."

Jesus.

...

Notice he takes every opportunity to mention just how many babies he's made? It's like some popped-collar version of the welfare dad.

Actual Slogan: "True Strength for America's Future"

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Remember! The Debates resume November 28th! Confessions is proud to bring you an exclusive first look: